Finish Your Popsicles Before They Melt!
by lmaoyoudontknowme
Summary: Sogo accidentally plants Kagura's first kiss. Drama and hilarity ensue. [T for language and violence?]
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:**

**Sogo accidentally gives Kagura her first kiss. Drama and hilarity ensue.**

_**Inspired by some funny a** fan art.**_

**Gahhh, first FF ever. I've always wanted to try my hand at writing one but was never confident to do it.**

**But as Host Gin says, "**_**Just do it!"**_

**...Anyone? No?**

**Hehe hee… Well I'm still nervous so please rate and review. Be brutally honest.**

**I'd like to gauge if I should continue or not :D**

_**Italics for character thoughts and Sadaharu.**_

**Also see footnotes at end of story!**

**/DISCLAIMERYou should already know where this is going, but I don't **

**own Gintama or the wonderful characters in it…all hail Sorachi-sensei!/**

* * *

**[Finish Your Popsicles Before They Melt!]**

_BZZZZ…_

_ BZZZ…_

_ BZZZZ…_

"EHHH URUSAI! [1]" Kagura yelled at the bussing cicadas. "It's hot. Sooo hot. Ugh…"

"_Woof,_" her white inugami [2] responded.

"I'm sorry Sadaharu. I know you really wanted to play, but it's so hot and sweaty outside. I feel like I'm inside one of Gin-chan's boots, uhuh."

She rubbed the fur on his head affectionately and jumped down from his back. Scanning the park, she looked for a nice, shaded area to rest.

"Ah perfect!" she exclaimed, skipping towards a nearby bench. "I'm surprised no one has taken this spot. It's out of the sun and has a nice breeze uhuh! Kamisama must be watching out for us."

The vermillion haired girl plopped down on the bench with Sadaharu lounging off to the side.

A few minutes later she began, "You know what would make this even better? Ice cream, yup!

I'll go get us some, ok? Gin-chan gave me some money for sukonbu [3] but I'd rather have something cold and sweet right now, uhuh."

Sadaharu barked in understanding, and with that Kagura began her way to a nearby convenience store.

Unfortunately, this was around the same time a certain flaxen-haired police officer was patrolling the area around the park.

xxxx

He strolled the streets indifferent to his surroundings, popping a piece of bubblegum between bored sighs. With iconic red mask in hand, Sogo made his way towards his favorite sleeping bench. It had the perfect combination of sun and shade and optimal shrubbery to hide him from a wandering mayo freak. He could be found there four to five times a week, depending on his assigned patrol district. It was undoubtedly his spot.

'_Make a mental note to engrave my name on the bench… Nah maybe I'll cover it in spikes when I'm not using it…'_

As Sogo was contemplating various ways to mark his territory, a furry white mass caught his attention. Looking harder he could see it was the Yorozuya dog-sleeping right next to his bench.

He gripped the hilt of his katana, expecting to see a Chinese monster nearby. Though sensing no familiar threat, Sogo walked the perimeter of the park just to be sure.

'_What owner leaves a giant beast like this unattended?'_ he asked, unsure of why the Yorozuya girl would leave her dog alone. _'Maybe she finally decided to abandon this mutt.'_

"Look," the sadist began, "I don't care where you wallow around, just not by my bench. I can smell you a mile away." But the dog was fast asleep.

"Oi! Did you hear me? You don't have to go back to that rat hole with Danna but just get out of here before I bring you to the pound!" He repeated.

Sensing that this was going to be unnecessary trouble, Sogo sighed as he sat on the bench next to the inugami. He began by prodding at the dog's nose to no avail.

He lifted Sadaharu's ear and yelled half-heartedly, "Ooiii! Sa…Saladaru (_shit, what was its name?_) there's a hot poodle swimming by the lake!" Again met with silence, Sogo stood up and attempted to push the dog farther away. When this obviously failed, he started to poke and prod it harder with his sheathed sword.

xxxx

Minutes later Kagura returned from the store humming an old B'z song and sucking on a sukonbu flavored popsicle. _(AN: they make those?)_

As she was walking the path back to Sadaharu and the bench, Sogo jabbed the sleeping dog hard enough to finally piss it off. With eyes still closed, Sadaharu growled and smacked the intruder hard with the back of its paw. This caught Okita off guard and sent him flying in the same direction Kagura was coming from.

"Abunai! [4]" a nearby pedestrian exclaimed, interrupting Kagura's solo.

"Huh?" she asked while opening her eyes. Immediately she saw a dark figure flying directly towards her. Without time to react she shifted her parasol and dropped the ice cream as the human missile came crashing towards her. The next thing she knew, Kagura was smacked square in the face and toppled to the ground. When she regained consciousness moments later, Kagura found herself staring into sandy strands of hair hovering above her. Her body was pinned to the ground and she began to moan.

"Oi…What happened?" she murmured to herself as she lifted the boulder on top of her. When she pushed it above her torso, her vision steadied and recognized exactly what had hit her.

In her delicate yet strong hands was a sadistic bastard looking back at her with half-lidded eyes, and around his mouth—a thin ring of the popsicle juice she just ate.

* * *

**[1] urusai: Shut up!**

**[2] inugami: dog god (what Sadaharu is)**

**[3] sukonbu: pickled seaweed**

**[4] abunai: Look out!**

**There might be other things that I forgot to reference here but… oh well.**

**I apologize for the story not having any major action and romance… I definitely have it planned for future chapters (that's where the fun happens heheh!). They will probably be rated T, and even M depending on how I feel ;)**

**Again, please R&R, I would really appreciate it. **


	2. Chapter 2

**[ Salty Foods Taste Best When You're Happy! ]**

**RECAP:**

"_As Kagura was walking the path back to Sadaharu and the bench, Sogo jabbed the sleeping dog hard enough to finally piss it off. With eyes still closed, Sadaharu growled and smacked the intruder hard with the back of its paw. This caught Okita off guard and sent him flying in the same direction Kagura was coming from._

"_Abunai! [4]" a nearby pedestrian exclaimed, interrupting Kagura's solo._

"_Huh?" she asked while opening her eyes. Immediately she saw a dark figure flying directly towards her. Without time to react she shifted her parasol and dropped the ice cream as the human missile came crashing towards her. The next thing she knew, Kagura was smacked square in the face and toppled to the ground. When she regained consciousness moments later, Kagura found herself staring into sandy strands of hair hovering above her. Her body was pinned to the ground and she began to moan._

"_Oi…What happened?" she murmured to herself as she lifted the boulder on top of her. When she pushed it above her torso, her vision steadied and recognized exactly what had hit her. _

_In her delicate yet strong hands was a sadistic bastard looking back at her with half-lidded eyes, and around his mouth—a thin ring of the popsicle juice she just ate."_

* * *

Kagura lay there in utter disbelief. What the hell was this? Some sick dream? A practical joke? She shut her eyes and pleaded to herself to wake the fuck up. Her hopes were dashed when she heard a low, groggy moan with an all-too-familiar voice. Her eyes snapped open as she kicked the Sogo off her with incredible force. "WHAT THE FUCK?!" she screamed as she crawled back. Flashes of the recent events ran through her head:

The refreshingly sour taste of her popsicle.

A loud scream.

A hard smack in the face.

Waking up.

Seeing _him._

With popsicle juice on his lips.

_HER _popsicle juice.

On _HIS _lips.

Kagura lay there in a catatonic state for what seemed like hours as her young mind began connecting all the dots.

xxxxx

Sogo regained consciousness for the second time this afternoon, rubbing his head and mumbling incoherently. Great, he was bleeding. Glancing around, the sandy-haired teen found himself sprawled on the remnants of his favorite park bench. The structure was completely shattered, much like the broken concrete below him. Across the plaza he could see a familiar red spot. Was that the blood getting in his eyes? No, he focused in on the object and saw it-that damned China. Whatever happened had a 99% chance of being her fault.

"The hell was that for?" He questioned while staggering to his feet. When she didn't answer, he walked closer and asked again.

"You got dog shit in your ears, huh brat? I want to know why you threw me across the goddamn park!" Seconds passed as he aggressively nudged her leg with the toe his boot. Kagura was sitting slouched and lifeless on the pale concrete.

"...et...ay...om…me…" Kagura murmured under her breath.

"What? Danna didn't even teach you how to use words?" Sogo inquired, thankful for some kind of reaction.

"I SAID: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" yelled Kagura as she reached for her nearby parasol. Before Sogo could respond, she began blindly spraying bullets across the park plaza.

The policeman instinctively lunged back and unsheathed his katana. He effortlessly deflected each one of the bullets until he glanced up and caught a glimpse of the rampaging girl's beet red face. A scathing pang traveled across his right shoulder. Momentarily distracted, Sogo flinched as his he was grazed by a stray bullet.

"Shit, " he grumbled while bracing the wound with his left hand and continuing to block the bullets with his right.

Seconds later the relentless onslaught of bullets ceased. Sogo relaxed from his fighting stance but was still cautious as he eyed the loose red cannon. He kept silent, in fear of facing another hail of umbrella shots.

Finally Kagura began climbing to her feet, her head slowly starting to rise. What Sogo saw next would be permanently engrained in his sadistic mind for as long as he lived. There stood China, her cheeks the same color as her cheongsam, sweat dripping from her brow, and her cerulean blue eyes pooling with water.

xxxxxx

As the dust began to settle, Kagura fought back the tears welling up inside. She had never been one to cry, especially now in front of that heartless bastard.

"Give it b-back," she said. Her voice was quivering from a tornado of emotions: fear, anger, embarrassment, and disbelief.

Sogo was still trying to piece together his recent misfortunes and did not understand in the slightest what she meant.

"What?"

"T-that k-k-kiss... Give it back." She mumbled in a voice barely audible.

"Huh? I can't understand what you're saying, illegal alien, I only speak Japanese. Whatever China, this is getting weird, even for you."

"STOP MAKING ME REPEAT MYSELF, KONO YARO [1]! IT'S EMBARASSING!" Kagura yelled as her cheeks burned in embarrassment. "I _said_ give me back that…" she hesitated and clenched her eyes shut, forcing out the last part of her involuntary word vomit, "t-that kiss."

Silence.

Still tense from that most embarrassing request, she popped one eye open and looked at the sandy-haired sadist. He stood there staring in his usual deadpan manner, as if she had just asked him the time. Somewhat relaxed by his casual response (or lack thereof), Kagura loosened her body and faced Sogo.

Kagura laughed nervously, "What? Now _you_ forgot how to use your words?"

Her thoughts were spiraling out of control from his silence.

'_Why isn't he saying ANYTHING?! What the hell is this shit-head thinking?!_

_KUSO_[2]- _is he so disgusted that he's frozen in fear? W-wait a minute, why am I getting so self-conscious all of a sudden? Kagura, you're getting too out of character! It's that charming lack of feminism that makes you such a great heroine, yup! Keep it up and you'll be replaced by that ugly ass nekomimi_[3] _downstairs!' _ Kagura tried desperately to regain her irrational confidence.

'_But wait—Anego_[4] _explained how precious a maiden's first kiss is. I-it's a symbol of intimacy, maturity, and… a-affliction? Shit, that's not the word.' _Kagura stalled when she remembered that, masked by Otae's fancy vocabulary, was just another word for love.

'_Intimacy, maturity, and l-love…'_

Well god knows neither of them possesses all of those abilities, _especially _for each other.

"FUCK, THIS IS TURNING INTO SOME SHOUJO SHIT, AHUH!" she blurted out in frustration. Tired, dirty, and pissed as hell, Kagura just wanted to crawl back into her closet and sleep away her memories of today.

xxxxx

Meanwhile Sogo stirred from his staid position. It didn't take long for him to realize what was going on, but it was his response that took him a while to sort out. Throughout the years, he has mastered the art of trolling around with an languid expression. So why was his disguise suddenly faltering? Surely he had never seen the infamous Yorozuya yato cry before, shit, he didn't think it was possible. Were her tears washing away at his façade? Whatever the case, he needed to pull himself together. It was disturbing enough seeing her so vulnerable, having _him_ seem weak would surely get the show canceled.

Suddenly he smirked.

"What's wrong China? It's just a little kiss," he cooed. "Surely one of the universe's strongest wouldn't be affected by something so…insignificant." He was mercilessly goading her for a response; with each word his sadistic level rose a little more. "Well this is just embarrassing. I never knew you were this pathetic. _Had _I known, I would've gone easy on you during our fights."

Sogo glared at her mockingly, "Or what? Was it so good that you're now at a loss for words?"

"Pfftt… In your dreams, yup!" Kagura finally responded. "I was just recovering from a d-disease, yeah, disease! You're k-kiss probably transferred a mayo virus from hanging around Mayora all day."

"I've never heard of a mayo virus before, must be a recent outbreak huh? Just admit that you've fallen victim to my charm and this will be over. Face it China, I won."

"No, it really was a disease!" she pleaded. "It's called m-mayorrhea. What, you really don't know about it? You must be dumber than I thought." Her emotions began to cool once she got into the rhythm of their usual bickering.

"Trust me, _I'm_ not the dumb one in this situation." Sogo responded dryly, "and it's ok if you don't verbally admit defeat, because I know I won. The universe knows I won. I won, and you lost China." He gracefully rotated so that his back was towards the flustered girl.

Sogo then nonchalantly turned his head and licked his lips.

"Mmm… salty."

* * *

**[1] Kono yaro:You bastard!**

**[2] Kuso!:Shit!**

**[3] Nekomimi:Cat-girl (in this case, Catherine)**

**[4] Anego:Respectful term for elder sister**

**My god, I am sorry for the delayed upload and the crappy chapter! Work has been stressful and has kept me so busy :( Usually the only times I can work on my stories are when my boss goes on his lunchbreak, haha. I really will try to write more and actually DEVELOP THE STORY. I know it seems like this story isn't really going anywhere but I have a plan for it in my head! So please, stick around for a little longer :)**

**Any comments or reviews are greatly appreciated, no matter how brutal and/or honest.**


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